The videos you’re referring to are out of production. I was coerced into making them by an abusive ex-boyfriend who gaslit and threatened me and did other horrible things to me that I won’t get into. It’s been many years since then, and all of that belongs in the past. I was using a lot of stimulant drugs in those videos to seem happy/normal and get through what was happening, none of which I desired or enthusiastically consented to. I’m no longer upset at this point; I’ve been through tons of therapy and I really have no emotional ties to this situation anymore, because I'm so used to dealing with it, but I want absolutely nothing to do with those videos, this kink, or him. I kindly ask that you help me put this situation to rest.
Are you SURE this isn’t just a case of regret?
I need to emphasize that this is NOT merely a case of “regret”. I regret making some poppers-related customs, because I wasn’t fully educated on the health risks involved. I regret some vanilla customs I did with my (non-abusive) past boyfriends when I started camming, but I never accused them of abuse, because those guys were all great people (even if the videos kinda sucked and I looked bad in them). This is NOT about regret. This was about coercion and a constant, rampant disregard of my consent. I personally know another one of his exes, and this is NOT the first time he’s abused someone- although, she was never recorded on video (thank god).
Are you sure it's not because you're ashamed or embarrassed?
I'm sure! Scat's just not something I'm into, and I needed to use some pretty hard drugs to pretend that I was while on camera. I had to lube myself up beforehand and was faking arousal/orgasm while being filmed. I DO have plenty of weird, edgy kinks that I totally own up to in my personal life, though, and I'm not even remotely ashamed to admit to them. For example: I'm really into certain other RACK types of edgeplay. People sometimes brand me as some kind of psycho or serial killer for having the preferences I do (even though I would never play with anyone who doesn't consent, and I'm very well-trained in safety!)- but I'm not going to lie and say "I was forced" (concerning my real fetishes) when I know damn well that I love what I do. I've actually lost friends over my kinks because they think I'm "creepy", but in my eyes, if they can't accept me for who I truly am, it just wasn't meant to be. But the fact is, I'm not a scat fetishist, so it's strange to be known for something I'm not only not about, but was doing under duress and under threat while in an abusive relationship.
Do you think I’m disgusting because I’m into scat?
NOT AT ALL! I don’t judge you even the tiniest bit! :) You’re not hurting anyone, and as long as what you’re doing is consensual, it’s totally fine in my book! It’s just not my thing, personally. A lot of the scat community has actually really impressed me with how kind, understanding, and empathetic they’ve been with this whole thing. A minority have been bad people, but I’m a really strong person and can deal with a minority of sociopaths, as well as certain sockpuppet accounts that spread disinformation. For the most part, I think you guys have been AWESOME! :) What IS disgusting, however, is coercing someone into doing something they don’t actually enjoy or want to do, especially so that you can profit from their mistreatment. That’s the only issue I have here.
Are you mad at me for watching your videos before I knew the truth about them?
Not at all! You didn’t know what was really going on behind the scenes, so as far as I’m concerned, you’re totally innocent. I have nothing against you. That being said, please don’t re-distribute them, especially now that you know. I do NOT consent to that. It’s fine to have some edgier kinks, but please, make the choice to be a good person- I believe in you! You're more than just a person with a kink- you're a human being with a heart that feels empathy. I also appreciate reporting links via the above form!
But what about those interviews… ?
I was never interviewed on this topic. If you’re reading an interview by “me”, you’re actually reading an interview of my ex pretending to be me. Notice how different I sound here? This is how I actually type. If I’ve ever said “hon”, “teehee”, or used improper grammar and spelling to a noticeable degree, you definitely weren’t talking to me. Most of what was said while my ex was roleplaying as "me" was totally inaccurate to who I actually am as a person.
But what about Fetlife?
Same for Fetlife. I have never had a public profile on there to market content. That was 100% my ex.
We used to talk!
No, we didn’t. You were talking to my ex, pretending to be me. I do, however, apologize if he did anything offensive that hurt you, even though it wasn’t actually me speaking to you, and I don’t know what happened in your chats. I probably don’t want to be friends now, because I likely don’t have anything in common with you, and it would be super weird for me, BUT please know that I do wish you the best in life and have nothing against you. You’re probably a great person. And I know it can be hard to find people into this kink, but… and I’m so sorry if this disappoints you… I’m not one of them. He lied about a huge amount of things about me, including my sexual orientation- I do NOT consider myself to be bisexual. I'm sure you're still awesome, though, and this is in no way anything against you as a person.
What’s your ex’s information? I want to hurt him, after hearing this.
Countless people have offered to help me get revenge in some pretty intense ways, but I’m not going to give his information out. There are some things you just don’t do. And… it’s been years. If he gives me any more problems, I plan to talk to the police and/or my wonderful lawyers, but he hasn’t been a problem for awhile. I already have everything necessary to litigate VERY effectively, should it ever come to that- and hopefully, it shouldn't. No vigilante justice, please. HOWEVER. If you are in contact with him, I implore you to be cautious. Like most abusers, he comes across as harmless and nice... at first. This is how sociopaths and narcissists lure their victims in. For your safety, please look into covert and vulnerable narcissism, superficial empathy, and sociopathy, and above all, please do anything you can to keep underage girls away from him.
If I find you on social media, is it legit?
If it's under the name Jessica or has anything remotely scat related, no.
Where can I find you now?
Don't worry about it. I don't have ANY desire for this fandom to carry over to my current life in any way, shape, or form. I want to be left alone, and do NOT want to get back in touch with anyone who thought they knew me. If you need to say anything to me, please say it via the form above, and it will be relayed to me. Otherwise- and I mean this in the kindest way possible- I want this fandom to leave me alone.